Happy Mother’s Day…Not really…but that’s OK!

Mother’s Day was harder than I had anticipated.

Carole Hurley. Gone but not forgotten!

My brain knew that May 10 was no different than the day before, or the week before, or the month before. My mom was still gone – stolen by cancer in February.

I had told myself in the days leading up to that “Holiday” that there was no sense in getting upset or depressed about it because no amount of despair was going to change anything.

My brain knew that. My heart didn’t.

My reality on that particular day was simply this…I no longer have a mother. Well-meaning friends and family tried to help by saying things like “she’s still with you in spirit” and “as long as you remember the good times you will always have a mom.”

Bullshit.

I can’t call her. I can’t drive to her house and talk to her over a plate of Wheat Thins, sliced cheese and tuna salad (that she always seemed to have on hand no matter when I came over. ) My daughter isn’t going to get to go to see her this summer and she’s not coming to my house for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Ever.

Damn it.

And because of that, Sunday really sucked. I tried to keep my chin up. I forced myself to attend the brunch I had (stupidly) made reservations for with other family members and helped clear out some belongings from a relative’s mobile home that is being sold.   I tried to smile. I tried to be friendly. I don’t think I was very successful. My family probably thought I was being a bitch….which made me feel even worse.

Now that I’ve gotten a few days past it I’ve decided…I don’t feel guilty about that. Everyone has bad days. Not everyone is happy all the time. I miss my mom and I should be allowed to be miserable for a bit. Do I believe I have the right to be mean and nasty to people because I’m in a bad place?…absolutely not! But mistreating other people is a whole helluvalot different than being down in the dumps on a day that celebrates moms.

I’ve read a lot of blog and Facebook posts recently that put down the idea of the holiday in its entirety. They were resentful and a little bit rude about pointing out how hurtful the day can be to women who struggle with infertility, who choose not to have kids, or who have lost a mom. One post said that the church shouldn’t have asked the moms to stand up and be recognized because it would make other women who aren’t moms feel bad.

Sorry, but that, too, is bullshit.

It is ok for mothers to be recognized and it is ok for those who aren’t mothers to feel crummy about it. That is life. People in this country seem to be so preoccupied with offending someone else that we are sucking the joy out of people who would otherwise feel honored and happy for accomplishments they have achieved…like motherhood. And, yes, motherhood is an achievement. But we are seeing that everywhere, aren’t we? Let’s give every kid a trophy so no one feels bad and the MVP doesn’t really feel all that valuable at all. Let’s give every kid a certificate for SOMETHING at the end of the year so we don’t dent their self-worth instead of just the honor roll and perfect attendance students so their achievements don’t seem quite so grand.

I’ve held my daughter while she cried about not getting a trophy. I didn’t tell her that I’d go out and buy her something special for giving her best effort…I told her she just needed to work harder next time. And you know what? She did.

My own journey to motherhood was a hard-fought battle against infertility that I eventually won after numerous years of doctors appointments, testing and procedures. I cherish my daughter as my most precious gift from God! So, yeah, if I’m ever back at church on Mother’s Day and the pastor asks me to stand up, I will probably get misty-eyed thinking of my mom, and then I’ll stand up, and although I will have empathy for the women who don’t stand up, I won’t feel guilty for it.

Yup…Mother’s Day sucked this year…But I have faith that it won’t suck every year. I miss my mom. I will always miss my mom. But I also AM a mom, and am very happy about that.

If anyone has any happy stories about mother’s day, I would love to hear them. Actually, I NEED to hear them.

Until next time – Stay Loving. Kind. Generous and Strong

~Charlene

Things my Mama Taught Me

“Don’t run with scissors.”

“Never let your gas tank get below half full.”

“Treat others as you want to be treated.”

My mom filled my head with these mantras — and many more — my entire life.

I reflect on these life rules that she instilled in me often, (which reminds me of that song “Voices” by Chris Young) so It wasn’t ususual for me to think back today on another piece of advice she gave me:

“Don’t burn your bridges.”

I have worked in the media/mass communications/public relations world since I graduated from college. I’ve had bosses I’ve adored and bosses that I, well, didn’t. The same goes for co-workers. But never in my (ahem) many years of employment have I ever left a job without giving at least two weeks. Nor have I ever had a knock down drag out fight with a peer or superior. Have I had differences of opinion? Sure! Have I argued with my peers? Yup! But I’d like to think I never crossed the line of disrespect.

Why?

Because that’s how my mama taught me.

And she was right. Today, I attended a training on using social media as a disaster management tool. I glanced over the list of attendees as I scribbled my name on the sign in sheet. I was surprised to see name of someone on that list that I had worked with almost 25 years ago and I got to go to lunch with a gentleman I worked with 16 years ago. I never had any greivances with either of these colleagues, but even if I had, I wouldn’t have behaved any differently because I have always tried to follow that rule: Don’t burn your bridges.

Am I considered being two-faced if I don’t particularly care for someone but I still smile at them and say hello? No…it’s called being a professional. A grown up.

In an era where people are very quick to rant in public, whether it be physically in person or in an on-line platform, you need to remember that we really do live in a small world. The co-worker you “bitch out” today because you don’t like something they did or said, could end up being your boss some day. The temporary satisfaction you might feel from getting your frustration off your chest might not be worth it in the long run.

As usual, my mother was right. I still hear her voice in my head…guiding me…helping me navigate this life with her words of wisdom she so graciously gifted me. I wish she was still here to talk to me but I just have to cherish the memories instead…and keep my ears and heart open for other good advice.

So tell me…what was the most important thing you learned from your mom and dad? I’d love to hear your stories.

Until next time – Stay Loving. Kind. Generous. Strong.

~ Charlene