Three months gone

I don’t intend for this blog to consist solely of mournful, depressing posts, but that’s just what it needs to be for today. 

My mom died three months ago to the day. I thought it would get easier, but it hasn’t. The void that her absence has created is palpable, an ever present throught in the back of my mind.

I ache to hear her voice again. I want to dial her number every time I get in the car after work and talk to her (safely…hands-free of course) about how my day went, about my daughter’s latest accomplishment, about the argument I had with my husband, and anything else that comes to mind.

In the course of a normal day I cannot even count the times I’ve done or said something that triggered a memory, a feeling, a reflection relating to my mom in one way or another.

Last month, it was my trip to Las Vegas. She and I used to go there every year to a crafting convention from the time I was newly married until the organizers stopped hosting the event.

Last week, it was the envelope I found with her writing on it.

Yesterday, it was the strawberry jam. I looked over at the three flats of jam I had stacked on the counter that needed to be put away and remembered that she has made her last batch.

This morning, it was my shoes. I was disabled for three years and could barely walk. When I did get to where I could put tow shoes on it was mom who bought me my first S.A.S. brand shoes that are the only kind I can tolerate wearing and walking in for any length of time.

I’m aware that what I’m experiencing is normal. I certainly don’t want to forget my mom, or lose value in the memories that we have made together. But…I wonder if the intensity of the loss will ever end.

That’s enough wallowing for one post I think. I make no apology for it. It’s my blog and I can write what I want to. (I know you just sang that in your head.) I write this for me and no one else. I’m hoping the next one will be better, happier and less depressing.

Until next time – Stay Loving. Kind. Generous. Strong.

-Charlene

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